Letter from Lyme Regis

Why, woman, your husband is in his old lines again: he so takes on yonder with my husband, so rails against all married mankind, so curses all Eve's daughters of what complexion soever.

—Mistress Page, Act 4 Scene 2, The Marry Wives of Windsor

Dear Wags,

The House of Windsor has more than 1,000 retainers, though its most constant handmaidens aren’t human. We refer to Scandal, Gossip, and Infidelity. Those impish attendants are back at it, making mischief for the Prince of Wales and his wife, Catherine the Vanished. As we write this, we presume her reappearance is being frantically plotted, things having gotten wildly out of hand.

Anybody with a mobile device knows that the former Kate Middleton has not made herself available since Christmas Day, when she attended Sandringham church services. On January 18, Kensington Palace announced the 42-year-old princess would be undergoing abdominal surgery. After a two-week hospital stay, she was off to Windsor Castle to mend. Officials said she would not make public appearances until at least Easter, which falls on March 31.

That extended convalescence got nosy parkers clicking. What was really wrong with frighteningly fit Kate? The world has an opinion.

Move along, nothing to see here! hissed Kensington Palace, doing its best impersonation of Maggie Smith in high dudgeon. Whatever has befallen Kate, it is said not to be cancer (for which King Charles, 75, is being treated, type unspecified).

On March 4, TMZ published a fuzzy long-lens image of Catharine/Kate in the passenger seat of a car driven by her mother, Carole Middleton. This snap was not appreciated by K.P., which put the screws to UK hacks not to publish it.

As even Stephen Colbert is aware, this did not quash rumors. Which include:

1. Kate is suffering from something really dreadful (and if so, everyone should be ashamed of themselves).

2. Kate has been liquidated and replaced with a Stepford doppelgänger (unfair, seeing as how the original model was such a team player).

3. Kate is furious with William, for allegedly cheating on her with a former friend, Rose Hanbury, Marchioness of Cholmondeley (as P.G. Wodehouse and Nancy Mitford remind us, it’s pronounced Chumley). These longstanding rumors are “deeply annoying” to the Palace. Read what you will into that.

4. Kate is merely the latest in a long line of tender souls crushed by the Firm.

Which drags us before the photo of Kate and her three sprogs, apparently taken by William and released on March 10, UK Mother’s Day. Digital sleuths quickly discovered at least 16 possible alterations to the image (for one thing, the length of the princess’s arms approximates the wingspan of a California condor). International wire agencies issued kill notices (crikey) to media outlets, citing manipulation. Which, in a world already jittery about A.I., is a big deal.

Now and forever, nobody will believe that an official royal photo hasn’t been insidiously doctored. Thanks, Kate!

The kerfuffle forced the issue. A phantom princess weighed in on X to take the fall. Like any mum confronted with an imperfect holiday card, Kate (or somebody) claimed she’d simply been overzealous with photo shop.

The explanation does have a homey, the Waleses are just like us quality. Who among us hasn’t recoiled at an unsightly family snap, in which Junior has a zitty forehead and Sister has a pinky spelunking her snout?

Except nobody bought it. How could Kensington Palace, so undone by a grainy paparazzi shot, approve the image in the first place? The Mother’s Day Portrait had the wonky look of something wrought by politburo or glitchy android.

Perhaps Princess Catherine’s photo editing skills really do extend beyond changing red eyes to blue. How strange a flock of well-compensated advisors picked this moment to let her wing it. Nuttier things have happened, but when it comes to the royal family, suspicion has a depressing way of being rewarded.